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[Cross-posted from 17 March 2009 on Charcoal Ink, my personal blog]
One of Charcoal’s regular readers, lifeisannoying, left a fascinating comment on a previous post that I’d like to share. Please do not judge her and I hope this can start conversation that’s healthy.
Ok, let me just get up on my soapbox!( shuffles, stumbles finds feet) i was natural from 2001 all the way up to 2006. it was long and very wavy, i loved it, BUT i found that i could not find a man. men thought it symbolised that i was worthy and a bit pious and not down a damn good time (this girl loves a good time!) they would always adress me like they would adress their grandmother. having my beneath the shoulder length natural hair was a turn off for them. so despite loving the look myself and feeling ashamed of compromising myself and my ideals i texturised it bone straight……. you know what happened almost immeadiately??? Guys who knew me on sight before were asking me if i was new in town, or if i only just started going out in the area. it’s sick to admit it and it’s shameful for me, since i loved my natural and miss it, but i like male attention and want male attention and that is what they want………… Trust me i am only alone because i want to be these days. It is sick, that some black men and women feel like this and maybe we all need to politicise our hair again so people can wake up. but me i am just human, principles are fine things……. loneliness is another. Please don’t judge me, if you have ever been truely lonely and hungry for love you will understand why i compromised myself.
lifeisannoying has raised a very important question with comment. I think that (some) black men (overarchingly referring to black men in the UK) here are attracted to girls with ’straight’ hair. And there is nothing with wanting to appeal to men. Women like to look physically attractive to men, it’s natural (and vice versa). I think what is different here is that to me, natural hair should be *enough* for black men who run for straight hair.
It should be *enough* because it is how our hair naturally grows. Any man who cannot see the beauty of natural hair is dunce in my opinion. I don’t apportion blame onto women per se because so much of female identity is still wrapped up in the patriarchy that controls the majority of societies in the world (RE burkhas etc). I think afro hair is beautiful because to me, it is blackness personified before manipulation. It is a shame some black men could not see the beauty of lifeisannoying’s natural hair. Hopefully, natural girls will find black men who accept their beautiful curls for who they are. Because whoever shares my bed needs to accept my Afro for what it is. And trust me, natural girls are freaks* *=not in a bad way, gentlemen!
afrospear.wordpress.com 
Well, I’m a black male who LOVES a woman wit Natural Hair. I think there is nothing prettier that a woman with dreads,a fro, or anything natural.
I was intrigued by this post and wanted to share an article (with the hopes to obtain more feedback from a professional standpoint) regarding the need for Blacks to relax their hair to get promoted. See the article below:
http://www.diversityinc.com/public/4731.cfm
Personally, I MUCH prefer “natural” hair. I also prefer women who are themselves and not trying to jump through hoops to please a man.
Its hard to meet women where I live; do you think that I will change my wardrobe or personality to meet the right person? The right person will come when I’m ready, perhaps when I am MOST myself. Changing something fundamental about me in order to attract somebody to me is absurd.
Thelonious Monk said it best (paraphrase): “Play your own way; if it takes ten to fifteen years for people to recognize you, so be it.” I’d rather that, than conk my hair.
I am an Afrikan man who loves sisters with Natural hair. I think that sometimes the people we want don’t want us may be the brothers the sister wanted like women with processed hair. My love for sisters with natural hair increased when Dick Gregory talked of about the link between chemical from women processed hair and breast cancer and other cancers.
It is getting warm in Michigan I cannot wait to meet sisters with Natural hair. I think that natural hair accentuates the beauty of Afrikan women. I once knew a beautiful sister with a natural hair I looking forward to meeting another soon. For me a natural hair tells me that the sister is smart , prudent, and she believes in Afrikan aesthetics and consciousness.
I have heard before that there was a link between the way we black people put chemicals in our hair and the high incidence of cancer among people in our community. I have lost both of my parents due to cancer and wonder if they would both be here today if they didn’t think it was important to put chemicals in their hair. My father started putting Jheri curls in his hair as soon as it became popular and never missed an apointment. He died from pancreatic cancer two years ago. My mother permed her hair for years and died from breast cancer five years ago. Besides that, my parents believed in all kinds of hair “treatments” which I have heard are high in harmful hormones. Today, I just let my hair be “nappy and happy”. I constantly have to have tests at the hospital to see if I have cancer because, due to my parents, I am in an extremely high risk category. So far, I am well. I have no medical experiments or tests to back up my beliefs…I can only tell you what comes mainly from my gut. Leave the chemicals alone!
Thanks for all your opinions.
thefreelsave, I think you are right. Women should not jump through hoops to meet a man, but the problem is many women are insecure and seek validation (emotional/sexual) through men.
I think some men need to acknowledge their power over their aesthetic choices and how that affects some women.
Being natural means attracting a different types of black man, and I know this is not going to sound PC, but on the whole, being natural from what I have seen attracts men who are conscious and down to earth.
Also, I have never had seen so many white men giving me compliments about my hair. It’s shocking because it is not something black people dish out to me at any rate.
Black Men often have a very colonized mindset and have succumbed to the European standards of beauty. Consequently, black women know this and because any woman, or rather all women want to be desired, Black women give in. It’s a terrible thing…I also agree with the earlier comment, that Whites will often compliment our natural hair more than Blacks will. What a shame…the level of self hate within us.
Don’t believe the hype that Black men don’t love a woman w/ natural hair. Although I’m no longer natural, I surely can attest that in the span of the 2 years I was, I had a higher caliber of men to choose from than I did before.
There is an aura that surrounds a woman who wears her hair naturally, and Black men had no problem telling me this…or stopping me at Post Offices, groceries, etc to do so! lol
I have been wearing my hair natural since 1999. I have also gotten more compliments about my natural hair from white people than black people. That is a shame and indicative of how far apart black people are now among ourselves since integration. While we have gained much from the civil rights movement, we have, in a sense, lost our selves in the process.
I will not change my natural hair to attract a man. I cannot even relate any longer to the person I was many years ago when I used to relax my naturally curly hair. That girl’s love of relaxing her hair is so foreign to me now,and I can barely recognize myself in her when I look at pictures of myself from those times.
When I used to relax my hair it would became thin and lifeless after a year and I would always have to let it all grow out and start again with healthy hair. Relaxing my hair also did not really compliment my round face and huge eyes. My natural hair looks like it was custom fitted just for me. You have to trust that Father-Mother-God knows best.
I also notice that my hair in it’s natural state grows so much faster than when I used to relax it. I couldn’t get my relxed hair to pass my shoulders, but my hair has been waist length.
Black men have completely bought into the European standard of beauty, so it is not even just about us wearing our hair naturally. The more we don’t remind them of Africa in our physical features, the more chance we have of attracting one. Not ALL black men, but too many to count and I would even say we are in crisis as a people when you look around you and see that so many black men will not even date a black woman at all anymore. We are accused of not being feminine enough, too fat, to aggressive, too this and too that, and gold diggers, which to me are simply excuses to justify walking away from black women without feeling about it, because all of those negative traits we are accused of having or not having are found in all women. Additionally, as you believe, so shall it be unto you.
I can count on one hand how many black male friends I have that truly love and appreciate the natural beauty of black women.
I KNOW without doubt that there is a black man out there who loves and appreciates me for all that I AM in its entirety. I want ONLY a black man. Other black women have the divine right to expand their dating choices to other races because we all came from the same Universal Loving Intelligence. I do recognize that. However, for me I truly love and want only a black man as my husband and my friend for life.
I will not entertain any notions of loneliness because I know that for my Beloved to appear I first have to become the Beloved.
Your post is several years old and you may not get this response. Your comment on this forum was so poignant well written, and echoed so closely the attitude that I am working hard to embrace. At 58 I am still struggling with loving myself. I recently cut off all my perm, quit wearing weaves and wear my natural hair out all weekend but return to wearing a wig to work to my recently acquired job. I tell myself that I keep doing so because I was interviewed with that look and was not ready for the shock factor from my co-workers but that is just a lame assed excuse for my own fear. The lady under whom I work is wearing her natural proudly and looks marvelous. She has recommended the product she uses which is Kinky Kurly sold at Whole Foods and I bought some this week end. I am halfway there (meaning total self love and acceptance). I am a work in progress but soon I will just get that initial day of walking in to work being totally fine about myself. I have been polling my men friends about their attitudes regarding women with natural hair and I am going to stop that. How I feel about myself is more important.
Phyllis, don’t worry, go ahead and wear your wig to work. It’s a process that can last for years. It doesn’t have to be a political statement of self love. Just do what works for you at your new job! When you feel comfortable, it will flow for you!
Yes, how you feel is more important. We have to remember that men go through our hair issues too. We feel ugly with natural hair, and they feel that it’s ugly. Men and women have to learn to love us as God created us.
But it’s OK to wear your wig in the meantime. In my humble opinion. 🙂
Okay… I am a brown skinned woman with natual Kinky-Curly hair (4B type).
I am so grateful for all the information that is out now about how to care for and grow natural hair.
However, it seems to me that a lot of black women are not getting the memo.
Natural hair still needs to be groomed. Natural DOES NOT mean no mantenance. There are too many how-to’s on youtube and other sites for us to just say F’it… I’m going to get up out of bed, put on my clothes, and hit the door.
Men are attracted to women who look like they give a damn about thier appearance… Sorry… but it is true. You can have on the cutest dress, the flyest blue jeans, the sexiest top, but if your hair looks like WTF aka a hot mess, guess what… The rest of you will be preceivd as such.
I wear my afro to work ( in a corporate office full of white folks in ALABAMA ).
But guess what, part of my morning routine is to put some water on my hair to loosen (revive) my coils, and then I’ll put some type of moisturizer (ph 4.5 – 5) and/or oil depending on need to give my hair some shine and curl / coil definition. I then either shape my hair with my fingers or use a pick to gently lift and shape my hair so that it is round and neat. Takes 15min or less.
If you are walking around with natural hair that is shapeless, dry, rough to the touch, and funky… you need to do better.
Please bring out the beauty in your hair by taking care of it. You don’t have to spend 4 hours applying product to your hair, twisting or braiding it up, then sitting under the dryer for 1-2 hours, then taking your braids or twists down every morning to have decent looking hair.
The simple things make all the difference.
If you frequent youtube (or even if you don’t) check out kimmaytube. She is one of a few well documented naturals who has successfully grown waist length natural hair. She is one of many women who can help guide you on natual hair care.
Be Well!
Tisha
PS.
My husband LOVES my natural hair. I recently had my hair professionally flat ironed to get the ends trimmed and my hair evened a bit. He did NOT like that look on me at all. When I washed my hair and revived my coils, he couldn’t keep his hands out of my hair. Black men do too love natural hair wearing black women… but they love it even more if you show it some TLC and bring out the beauty in it!
Hello All! It is a shame that white people and other races will give kudos for our natural hair than our own people! My parents have FINALLY gotten used to the fact that I prefer to wear my hair natural instead of “long and flowing”. My aunt still pesters me about straightening it and swears that men will come out of the wood works if i do. Well let me say this, If a man cant love me for me in my natural state then I do not need him! My hair is long, shiny, healthy and I have a beautiful head full of curls.
Now as far as products are concerned…I recently discovered Komaza Care and I love their products. I was once a product junky but I am no more. I moved from the bay area which was near the water to the high desert and my hair is still on point. Soft as ever, no crunchy hard feeling and etc. I also love their products because they are natural and use aloe and coconut. I also seal my ends and lock in moisture with shea butter. What a difference! Natural hair is a process but once you find what works for you…boy does it work!
I agree with you Lisa. I think it is funny how people naturally assume that all women want men coming out of the wood works to hit on them. I do not want a man who prefers women with straight hair because my hair is not straight. A man has to love the package I present to him; otherwise, he is not the man for me.
I also appreciate your comment about finding what works. I have been unable to experiment with products. I usually just wear my hair in twists. I have not been successful with other styles because I cannot afford products. However, I believe that once I am able to find what works for my hair, I will love it even more. Thanks for mentioning Komaza Care. I have done some research and so far, all the reviews are positive.
ALL I CAN SAY IS WOW! I’ve been natural for three year, and I had locs for ten months. I went through the ugly stage and I to felt like no man wanted me. But after a while that changed when I put myself out there n stopped feeling ugly because of my hair. I really liked my locs but edges were coming out…so I combed them out. Now my hair is thick n down to the top of my shoulders. I plan to relax it because its SUPER hard to maintain. I’ve tried moisturizers and ceramic irons and no luck. After a hour of being straight it poofs back up. .What do you suggest?
Hey Lotoria – Best way to manage long natural hair when handling it divide it in four sections and keep it like that when you are pre-shampooing, shampooing, and conditioning your hair. After a good wash wash your hair up in a terry cloth towel with leave-in-condition till hair is lightly damp then blow out hair with heat protector (Mizani Hair Serum) then flat iron w/ Paul Mitchell serum no more then 2x’s a week, or twist up/braid w/ olive oil. I would encourage you to keep you hair natural and keep loving it – though I can understand at the same time why you’d want to go back. Taking care of your natural hair is a maintaince of it’s own, but in the end what I love is that you know it is your own.
I had my hair in braids for close to 6 months and it grew like wildfire. I wanted to dread it but didn’t know how to go about it so I combed it out. It took me two days just to put a comb through it. Now, it is still healthy and thick but I really don’t know what to do with it so I end up covering it with scarves or hats. I really wish there were ways of getting info about keeping natural hair. I went to beauty parlors that wanted close to $100 a visit here in New York just to keep up dreadlocks. I can’t afford that!
Sounds like you’re trying to keep your curly hair straight which simply won’t work especially if you live in a humid climate. Natural hair will “poof up” (go back to it’s natural state. Even when the humidity is very low, your hair will not remain straight.
If you really want to be natural, find natural styles that look nice. All over the internet…
Personally speaking I went natural just a year ago. At first my husband, who is black american said that he was pro my experiment of going natural as long as it made me happy. Twelve months with various test & trial styles and products my husband says he hates natural hair & demands I get a relaxer at least once every 2 weeks. He’s told me many times during my transitioning process, that I needed to flat iron my hair more, and when I finally cut the rest of the relaxer off, we had a cold war in the house. I am from the Caribbean island, and he is an African American male. After reading some past blogs about how many in the black community feel about natural hair, I can understand a little why my husband feels the way he does. He has told me many times, that he just doesn’t find that type of hair attractive, and that he finds himself less attracted to me. Mind you that if I didn’t have such a healthy self-esteem my husband would have completed crushed it by some of the comments which I have had to endure. I have heard everything from me not looking “correct” & “unkempt”. That socially I’d becomed an embarrassment for him & that I was selfish for putting him through that when I know that he hates it so much. Now I understand that he hates and has been taught to hate and has nuture hate of something that I can’t help growing out of my scalp for years and that we as a black community have alot of issues. Some may say still that they just like relaxers, I tell you, yes it is a personal choice, but why this self-disgust with what is yours?
I understand the part where some of the men have written here about how much they love natural hair, but will say that the greater population of black males are the degenerating reason why females stress straight hair, long weaves and etc. Worldwide males yield a strong influence on the market of how woman look. Why years ago Chinese women were crippling themselves with tiny shoes from infancy up because Chinese men love tiny feet. It is no different for black females. We are no weaker for it, just human.
My husband has kindly informed me that he would buy me the relaxer this month, after my natural hair being close to my back when straightened. I “kindly” declined his gracious offer, and told him the cost of maintaining relaxed hair in a years span – he said that hundreds of dollars each year would be worth it. Sorry to say that he’s under that mentally, but I won’t help him stay there by giving in to that sort of pressure. I will compromise and press it – but even that doesn’t satisfy him because he hates how my hair looks when the humidity hits it. I know for a fact that my husband is not the few who reflect this viewpoint. One black male was embarrassed to show his wife to others in public because of her hair. I just wish those men would wake up.
Wow, I really “feel” your pain. I went natural about a year ago, and bc’d in May of 2009. I have about 4-5 inches of natural hair. At this point I wear cornrows, or I use setting lotion and hair conditioner on quick ‘wash n go’ days with a couple headbands and bobby pins.
But yes, my boyfriend too had a heart attack when I first bc’d because it was SO short, and it was a shock because I had long shoulder length relaxed bone straight hair when I met him. So it was quite a shock to see me change so drastically. He seemed ok with it at first, and even lied and told me he liked natural hair, but yet another 6 months later the truth comes out. “I hate natural hair, and it looks nappy and unkempt.”
I even experienced a phase when I am sure he was becoming unattracted to me. Our sex life and romance suffered quite a bit. At one point I felt he would surely dump me for a creamy crack queen, lol.
However, as I am approaching my one year nappversary. I feel he has accepted it. Reluctantly. I also told him I could flat iron it if it just bothers him that much. But of course just as you mentioned it always reverts back, and then they are displeased with the “napps” again.
At this point, I have committed myself to just keeping it braided or tucked away, with a headbands and pins. That way he is not subjected to my unruly fro. I also feel it is not good to give in to the pressure. This is MY friggin hair! I will do what I want with it. Until I can reach the safe length where I can twist it so that it hangs and can have a curly or wavy look. I pretty much have to bind it, (braids, cornrows, headbands, product).
Bottom line, he WILL accept it, or BUST. Because I refuse absolutely to relax my hair ever again. I hate heat styling, because I feel it’s damaging and retards my chance of healthy and longer hair growth. Plus I hate that burned smell of the irons. I HATE IT!!
I fell victim to this type of attitude once before in my life. I first went natural back in 1997. I grew my hair out for four years, and had a beautiful head of hair. Met some knucklehead, and let him talk me into relaxing it. Plus there was no natural products, hair blogs or anything to keep me encouraged. I fell psychological victim. I shudder and think about (what if I had just left that alone….theres no telling how long my hair would be today).
But that is in the past and I am starting new! Goodluck with your husband, and I pray he will come around and appreciate the true beauty of natural hair. Stay encouraged and keep researching, and just keep your hair braided, healthy and moisturized. I will be ok! GOD BLESS!!!!
I too share the same difficulty with my husband. I have been natural 9 months and I am loving my hair. I love my husband also but I refuse to be ashamed of the hair God intended for me to have. All other races love my hair but my own race looks at me with utter disgust.
Wow, your story really hit home for me. My boyfriend just told me my natural hair makes me look old and unkept. I told him that if he’s embarrassed to go out with me like this then he can go in his car and I will go in mine. He seems to think that everyone is whispering behind my back about how my hair looks. He really said some things that hurt my feeling but like many of you….I didn’t let it bring me down. I was teased and picked at all through school about the way I looked….how dark my skin was to how nappy my hair was. Now as an adult i want to stand my ground and not allow my boyrfriend, my mom, and others to tear down my self-esteem. For the first time in my life I love me….I love my dark skin, I love my kinky hair…..I love me. I look in the mirror and I smile at me…..
I have been natural for a year in February 2012.
Au naturale, your husband is an asshole. There is an issue bigger than “hair” that bothers him. Love is accepting someone No Matter of their looks. Saying such mean things that obviously hurt your feelings has nothing to do with your looks he’s unhappy and he’s blaming it on your insecurity which is your hair…….
I believe there are alot of men that love natural hair and natural looks(little to NO make-up). But there are also alot of men who want that “look” that the Media portrays a beautiful black women as-and really that is okay. As we know “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder”.
But just because a man likes natural hair does not mean that women should just let their natural hair look like an unkept “jungle”. Get the right products that will complement your hair textures needs and be creative with your hair.
I went natural off and on for 5 years. But after the relaxer kills my hair and leaves it limp, so, I have to cut it off and start all over again. My hair is now a short, beautiful afro in which I can where the curly ,natural look, and vary my styles. I am actually having fun styling my natural hair, and my husband only prefers natural hair. He loves it. I had it dyed a mahogany brown color, and I love that color against my skin and on my hair. With the natural look, you have to also fix it to where it complements your face and looks good. If you have problems with it; you can always go to a hair professional who specializes in doing natural hair.
I’m a 22 yr. old female and sooooooo happy that Im natural early in life sooooo when that right guy comes along he will have no choice but to accept my natural AFRO glad I have the mindset to be a natural nubian kween nappy and happy and yes I am single, to you other ladies those men have a sick mindset….
Rasheeda…your hair sounds gorgeous! Natural hair can be so beautiful. I love the reddish-brown color as well.
Au Naturale…I feel your pain, too. Your husband is being disrespectful. Tell him: “I love you but it hurts my feelings when you make comments like that. I would appreciate it if you would stop”.
My ex-boyfriend, who was black, would talk about my hair that way too. He was raised by parents who believed that kinky hair was ugly and straight or loosely curled hair is prettier. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, which is part of the reason I cut him out of my life 3 years ago. He is now with a light-skinned Latina who has the so-called “pretty” hair that his family loves.
All of the Black men I’ve been with have viewed my hair as ugly. The funny part is that I DON’T have natural hair. My hair is relaxed and it is down to the middle of my back. My parents are both of mixed race (black and white). But it still too “ethnic” for some black men, because they have been socialized to view the hair of white girls, Hispanics, and Asians as being better than that of Black women.
My hair is soft…but not soft enough by the standards of some black men. My hair is pretty…but in the eyes of some, it never will be.
I believe that whether a Black woman relaxes her hair or stays natural, people will always have something to say about it.
All we can do is try to be positive and love ourselves.
I love natural hair. I find straight, permed, weaved and all unnatural styles of hair on black women to be distasteful. I used to have an afro that was roughly twice the size of my head when fully picked out. It helped distinguish me from everyone else. Most people loved it. But most of the black people I knew often made fun of me for it. I find it distasteful for most blacks to expect me to conform to the short and wavy, more European style. Almost all of the black women I know have weaves, and always disliked my hair as well. I find it sad that we’re expected to conform to society so that we look more “normal.” I only cut my hair because of a job that I got, and even then, I was very unwilling to do so (40 bucks a night and 200 dollar tips as a food runner was pretty convincing.)
I like natual hair on a woman. Shows that they’re comfortable with who they are, and that by itself is very attractive to me.
Interesting thread! I think it’s a bit unfair to come down so hard on those black men who “hate” natural hair. There’s a reason for that. He’s indoctrinated to euro standards of beauty just as black women are, and the pressure is EVERYWHERE! Not only this, but black woman are denigrated in every sector of society! There are few reflections of black womanhood that is beautiful and sexy without being demeaning and disgusting. When we understand this then one can understand why that brother puts on the hard pressure for his black woman to at least conform to the hair standard. What’s needed is a re-education process for our black men who have this mindset. He needs to understand why he’s not attracted to his natural black woman and hopefully work towards accepting her, and self acceptance. It doesn’t really help anything to call names and denigrate the brothers. If we women can educate ourselves as we have done to the REASONS why there is self hatred, then we can have a reasonable discussion on the politics of this oppresion with our men, in calmness, and without being pressured by his fear and anxiety. Then prayerfully, a new understanding of our beauty as black women will emerge in his mind. In my opinion.
I am a white hispanic woman with very very curly hair, and the only man I´ve known that actually liked my hair was an ex-boyfriend that was black, so I am very glad I met him, because had I only dated white men I might have been very self conscious about it – white men and asian men tend to ALL prefer bone straight and even processed hair.
p.s. my ex said my hair had beautiful texture like doll´s hair, and I also love men with curly hair, I think it´s cute. (and even if they have a fro or a lot of hair, I like it too.)
oh ps and white people often have to straighten their hair too – really the only people that always have bone straight hair are east asians, so unfortunately white people suffer ridiculously because of other white people´s standards of beauty.
i understand how it feels to be lonely and the want for love. my boyfriend and i recently broke up. well, he left me because he didn’t like my natural hair. he said you either perm it or i’m leaving. he left. funny thing is i thought he fell in love with my heart and not my hair. it’s quite clear i was wrong. i still have my natural hair. a lesson has been taught from this experience: i need to love God and myself before I do a man.
Dear Me–I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s sad the way these issues of beauty bear down on women and on the men too!
You are beautiful just as you are, as God made you with your beautiful natural hair.
We all have a journey to make in this world which is so hurtful to us. You are on the right path–I pray that you stay on it and learn all the good things that God has planted within your own heart. Keep being true to yourself and to God and you will be blessed!!
I just did the big BC and I’m only 18 so people my age aren’t really sure how they feel about it. Funny thing is though that I attract so many older men it’s quite funny when they find out how old I really am and I’m always being told by them that they think it is beautiful how great I look with basically no hair. My ex boyfriend who saw me said he didn’t like it and to be honest I could care less people care too much about hair and I would much rather want to be with someone who is with me because they actually like who I am as a person. All in all it’s sad to say but their are many people who do not like the whole natural thing. I think it’s great not everyone can do it and the woman who do embrace it and that makes them stand out. There will be someone out there who will love your hair 😉
I cut all my hair relaxed hair off in ’06 because I wanted locs.Every time I want to accept my ‘blackness’ all of a sudden all of these ‘real black people’ get offended by it. These ‘real niggas’ are offended by the nappiness that flows from my scalp. Ive been wanting natural hair for…maybe 5 years now. Everytime I get started some ‘real black person’ comes along and tells me how “their happy for me for going back to the mother land and all that but Uh…they dont like nappy,jungle bunny hair.Its just not sexy”
Even my family,specifically my 87 year old ‘red bone’ grandmother was HORRIFIED when I went natural or would wear braids. OMG She made it seem like I was so unrepresentable.Unattractive.Even my mother who somewhat gets it, looked at me differently,gave me funny looks on the sly,always stared at my hair with a scrunched up face and eventually said”Jesus baby,that hair is just to much for me.Its not saying anything about you…its not doing anything for you…but if it makes you happy….”
My father and his kids have locs,except for my lil sister but they keep her natural. When my great grandparents saw my dad with his locs u know what these ‘real black people’ said? Word for word,I quote “Omg your dad LIVES like that”? I didnt understand so I said “what?” “His hair is all knotted up and nappy…what are those things growing out of that boys head?”
Now mind you that these ignorant asses are 86 and 87 and their horrible attitudes towards their own blackness (even tho their ‘real niggas’) has been passed down to their kids and childrens children (hints me).
Then I go oh really? Yeah ur right. cuz when I wear my lace front all the dudes are looking and the ladies too.
How can yall claim to be ‘real niggas’ “black folk’ and claim how u dislike whites this and white that. And how the man is doing this to us blah blah bulllcrap when we try to mask our very blackness that we claim to loves so much? We force this self hatred and assimilation on others.. We despise our very essence,our beauty,and our men…jesus christ they all can just die in a fire.
These guys wernt checkin for me at all anymore. When I was natural/semi natural.Lets be real. My ‘blackness’ was making EVERYONE esp. black people,feel uncomfortable.I had no idea how much WORK it took to dreadloc ur hair so after a year of baby twists I caved and relaxed it and did the short halle berry thing. All of a sudden ‘the Ooo girl you are so pretty!!! Ur hair curls up when u relax,you got that good hair’ were back and in full effect. OR when I pop my lace front wig on I get a SHITLOAD of comments and ‘likes’ on my pix. All of a sudden Im desirable again. The leading lady and not the supporting role.
I felt sexy again.
So Im like why is it that some black women who ‘get it’ that are probably in the same situation as I am, compliment me more? Why is it that white people like our natural texture more than we do? Why is it that black men say how much they want a “real woman” when you walked RIGHT PASS ME and got with ‘ol creamy crack over there? These fucked up men act like they want a ‘real black woman’ shit they say how they dont want the fake hair or nails makeup etc. etc. but as soon as they get a beautiful black woman who is au-natural ,who dosent look like a mixed girl or a white chicken, they are %100 TURNED OFF. These men dont want black women.They think they do.TRhey pretend like they do but in reality these so called ‘real black men’ want us to be the black version of a white woman then throw it in our faces that we are impostors and how much they wish black women were ‘real’.
But guess what.Most of the ladies here know damn well that the moment we take on a more African aesthetic the men start running…away from us.Passing us up.We dont even register.
The anger that is growing inside of my is incomprehensible. IM so sick of feeling like I’m ‘not black enough’ because Im educated and grew up in a good neighborhood SO i GET GOOFED ON because I dont ‘act black’ or ‘talk black’ or ‘dress black’ or ‘listen to black music’. Even though I accept my blackness to a T and love it fully, If Im not a black version of a white woman,logn fake nails,fake green cotnacts, know every word to the lastest Young Jeezy song,spend more money on a gucci bag and shoes than I do my rent-Im not ‘black’ enough and Im not ‘worthy’ of a ‘real nigga’. Im so sick of trying to be more most natural self i.e. natural hair-only lip gloss and mascara. But then offend the very same black people that accuse me of not being black enough YET I’m more ~natural than they are!
Black people are so indoctrinated they can’t stand straight!And most people dont even know it!
Everything that we embrace and see as ~black is basically a watered down criteria that was formed by whites way back in the jim crow days.Shoot even before then!
I’m only 20 and I can see this shit clear that my 86 & 87 yr old grandparent, 41 yr old mother and anyone else I thought would ‘understand’ by now. To dig the knife deeper,when I date non-black men they love my ‘blackness’ more than black men do! Its like all of the attitudes by white men way back when are now being adopted by black men.Total transference.
I dont care if most black men want non-black women or mixed women anymore.Go ahead! Im sick of your ~all black women are this speech ‘ that use use to defend the fact that your not even attracted to your blackness. Whatever. I just wanted to say how frustrating it is to see the self hatred so prevalent in our community-no matter what country you find us in its all the same thing. And those of us that want to break free of the chains are punished for it.I dont see any hope to be honest. Assimilated women and men give birth to assimilated children who do the same thing-so on a so forth.
I don t know what to do anymore. Cut the creamy crack out again and start fresh-loc my hair or rock my lace front? I wish I was strong enough to deal with all of this but Im not. It hurts and Im overly sensitive. When im natural I know Im doing the right think but I dont feel sexy. I dont feel wanted,and I dont have confidence. I was weak going into this thinking everyone would be as enlightened as I wa an I got my heart ripped out. Now…Im off balanced.WTF should I do…I feel like Im part of the problem too.
Im done with my rant.
Sorry if Im speaking out of negativity you guys. I usually dont,I’m not that type of lady.However,Ive had a rough few days and alot of it has to do with this subject.
Dear Sister Jello! I feel you all the way from my head to my toes! We have to get this stuff off our chests! It’s so messed up–this issue of black woman’s beauty.
We are indoctrinated from day one with all the commercials and billboards. Showing that flowing white stuff that bounces and behaves. It’s golden like the sun and all of that mess.
Our brothers are indoctrinated just as we sisters are. They are trained from birth to desire a woman that looks like that.
What we all need is to deprogram ourselves from this madness so that we can again fall in love with who we are and how we look. So many brothers are struggling with the guilt of not considering their own woman as beautiful, especially when they are natural! They don’t understand why they are chasing after that white dream.
But we have to take control once again and I believe we woman have to take the lead by going natural! It’s a very very hard thing, but for those who are able, they should do it and keep struggling to do it. We have to force the issue of our beauty back in the forefront like they did in the days of the Black Power Movement!
Don’t give up sister! Because it’s who you are, even if others are not ready for it.
Jello,
Boy do I feel you pain. It’s a harsh reality to face, when you realize that generally those who call you a queen find you to be ugly unless you conform to the general european concept of beauty. Don’t give in to that feeling however. At such a young age you’ve realized what many don’t realize – how you look at yourself is a matter of self pride. And no that is not an exaggerated, your hair your skin you eyes your lips everything about you is a plus or minus based on whether or not you – not anyone else accepts it. Once you accept it, confidence tends to ooze out of you for all to see, but you will be shouting to the world – you don’t matter to me. I know it is a bold thing, it is almost like going against the grains, but remember that change can only start with you. But believe me, it takes alot and I certainly wont be one to criticize you for choosing to keep it permed. Just know that though majority of a minority class may find you inferior, they are inferior by their own standards which they have now enslaved themselves to. They are the ignorant ones not you. You have seen the truth. Do you best to help them see it as well.
I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness and we (Black women) were not allowed by our religion to wear our hair naturally. It was seen as a “sign of rebellion”. As a child, it didn’t make sense to me because the same men that told us during our meetings that “everything God made was good” would in the next breath tell us our natural hair was bad and needed to be straightened out. I knew of white women in our religion that could just wash their hair, let it dry naturally and wear it outside but I wasn’t allowed to do that as a Black child. Fortunately, I left at the age of 16 and had a chance to see normal black people living life and being Black and proud. I grew up during the time when everyone that was anyone had an afro, used AfroSheen and sang “Say it Loud” by James Brown. I feel so sorry for the generation of today!
Wow! I am sorry – but you came away from that experience believing that Jehovah’s Witnesses were preaching that natural hair was rebellious? I am one of Jehovah Witnesses & i have been natural for 2yrs. I rock it how I want to & get compliments from EVERYONE. Please don’t misinterpret opinions of some – even the few you’ve known – for what principles that Jehovah’s Witnesses try to live by. I know plenty of other black Jehovah’s Witnesses that are natural & that don’t get criticized for it. Please remember that just because you may have received a negative response in one time of you life from – I am guessing black folks – doesn’t mean that has anything to do w/ the principle of respecting and loving the diversity of people whom we are. In the country of USA natural hair had been given a negative viewpoint for so long that blacks confronted w/ those viewpoints just started teaching it like it was a way of life or something. IF it was to you – sorry. And I love my hair. I am sure I would love yours if I saw it. Take care
What kind of black men are you sisters chossing to date? I love natural hair on black women, if only all black women can see the natural beauty in themselves the world would be a better place. I hate that so many of us are so conditioned to feel inferior about our beauty. Black women beauty, even you lost one who hate your self!LOL
It’s not so simple and it’s not funny either. We are products of our environment. It’s not that black women choose to hate themselves. We can see this same kind of indoctrination concerning white women who are twisted all kinds of ways when it comes to weight. They are indoctrinated early to go to war against their womanly curves! It serves the diet food industry and whatever other industries that leech off of their self hatred.
Same for black women and her hair. She has to be re-educated to see what the deal is, because it’s subtle. It happens to men as well–and you are blessed that you have overcome! So many of our brothers are not so blessed.
Peace
I think it depends on the men you talk to. I agree that some men only respond to the relaxed hair. I used to think black men, especially, had that self-hating quality and just did not love true black beauty, however, 9 years ago when I decided to go natural I never encountered such ignorance. I wore my hair braided and twisted then. Today, I wear my hair natural and I get more attention from men now then I did when my hair was permed. All my black male friends love and look for natural, Afrocentric women. I honestly think that type exites them. We’re the new kid on the block. The exotic foreign kid, lol. Again, it depends on your environment and what these men have been exposed to. If you really like your natural hair, grow it back out and find a good looking educated brother who loves, respects, and embraces Afrocentrism.
I totally agree! As women, we need to do what is best for us. I truly believe that over the years those chemical relaxers have permanently damaged my hair. I can look cute the safe way and find a man who thinks I am beautiful just as I am. I have heard many brothers say that they never understood what black women went through to have straight hair. Now that they are aware, they think that we are crazy for subjecting ourselves to such treatment. When I was younger, I wanted to fit in and be like the crowd. I cared about what people thought of me. Now that I am older, I can care less about what other people think. Furthermore, I no longer care about being different from the majority because I realize that being different does not make me inferior in any way.
I have worn my hair natural for about 6 years. I LOVE my natural hair. I recently went to a job fair and I wore my hair in twists. I tried to make the style suitable for such an occasion. I got compliments from many people at the job fair. I have also gotten compliments from men. If a man cannot appreciate my natural hair, he does not appreciate me because that is a portion of what I bring to the table. In other words, my hair is who I am. If he does not like my natural hair, he will not like me, and I definitely do not want someone who does not want me. Any man who does not like my natural hair is not the right man for me. The right man will appreciate a woman hair and all.
I worked at a bank years ago where black women were told we could not wear braids to work. I know there was a lawsuit by a woman that said it was a part of black culture to wear braids and she won! After that, we could wear our hair basically the way we wanted. It gets to me that white people that don’t know anything about black hair and it’s care make rules to govern how we are to wear it!
I don’t know where you guys are finding these men who are so averse to natural hair but where I’m from I had long natural up until about age 16 or 17 and was met with the opposite reaction from not only men but everyone who knew me up to that point when I relaxed my hair . Most people expressed disappointment that I “ruined” my natural hair that I always wore in twists. Today, at age 21, it has been 2 years since I made the decision to go back natural and it was because I realized relaxed hair costs more money than it’s worth to maintain, and not because I was looking for anyone’s approval.
To the commenter who relaxes her hair to assuage lonliness, any man who’s with you as someone you’re not isn’t really with you – it’s just going to be a temporary fix. Whether it’s how you wear your hair or what you choose to be your life goals, you need to be the best YOU you can be and unapologetically. Any man worth his salt will appreciate that – if he doesn’t, good riddance, move on to finding the one who does.
I think more black women need to find a greater sense of self esteem. Quit trying to conform to something in a quest to get “people” (men or mainstream society) to like you. When you love yourself as you are and you embrace your uniqueness and be the best you, others can’t help but admire that and feel drawn to you. Trying to “follow” or conform to what others want you to be is a sign of insecurity. Insecurity is often unattractive.
Just my $0.02…
I have been reading the comments, and I must be honest and say that I decided to go natural due to a long list of problems I faced with relaxed hair, but also because I had to start learning how to love the real me. I dated a guy for a short period and in the period, he expressed that he did not like ni**er hair. I was shocked and asked him to explain. When he explained and I realized that he was speaking of textured hair, I really became upset. We have not spoken to each other in a while but I cannot forget the comment. A year later I decided to go natural because I began to feel as if I was feeling the same about myself by relaxing my God given curls. I still think about the comment, but what I focus on now is how to be confident in whom I am and to not let others definition of beauty define me.
“A year later I decided to go natural because I began to feel as if I was feeling the same about myself by relaxing my God given curls. I still think about the comment, but what I focus on now is how to be confident in whom I am and to not let others definition of beauty define me.”
We decided to reply to your comment because of your last sentence. You keep on looking forward with your head up high as God made you. God made no mistakes when he created you with your natural hair-change you hair as much as you want to.
We deal with so many women who wish they had natural hair -cause all of their hair and scalp has suffered so much damage from glues and hair weaving; they wish they had hair to just run their fingers thru.
Sometimes you really can’t even blame men for making ignorant statements. Men don’t have a clue about what some women really look like under these weaves and wigs. Many of them might even leave these women if they only knew.
cheers
My wife and I have been together for approximately 10 yrs. now, only one of which married. She’s been wearing her hair naptural (locs) for the last 5 years I think. I’ll always been attracted to sistas who exuded pride and confidence being that I grew up predominantly around women who did what they had to do to raise their kids (cousins and I) in the absence of a man. Quite honestly, I don’t think I could date a black woman who relaxes her hair anymore, if by some unfortunate circumstance I was no longer with my wife. I just don’t buy the excuse that relaxing one’s hair is just a matter of personal preference. In comparison to women who wear their hair natural, relaxed hair to me has come to symbolize insecurity, no matter how you slice it. I dare say that Michelle Obama, wife to the “most powerful man” in the western hemisphere knows that she dare not wear her hair natural. As self-assured as she might convince others that she is, she keeps it relaxed as if that’s something she never gives a second thought to. But every other month or so she knows better.
“As self-assured as she might convince others that she is, she keeps it relaxed as if that’s something she never gives a second thought to. But every other month or so she knows better.”
Damn, Brother! You summed it up quite well, IMO, that secret “thing” that many sisters, Michelle included, have to endure “every other month or so”. Just to look like the rest of THEM as she does her own gorgeous Michelle Obama thing. Yet on the 6th or 7th or 8th week of every cycle, she ducks in somewhere–maybe even in the white house–and surrounded only by those she trusts most, she gets her nappy roots done. She reappears to continue doing her Michelle Obama thing! Until the next 6th or 7th or 8th week cycle, ad perpetuum.
No disrespect to those who do it, though.
I do think that Michelle was living vicariously through her daughter Malia who had long flowing nappy hair flying wildly and freely in the wind. Some folks were disgusted by that though. It’s HARD to win as a black woman, but it’s not impossible.
So if a man met his wife years ago and she had permed hair, no where near natural then she decided to go natural 5 years later. The husband agreed to it to support his wife but later more like immediately after all the hair was cut he didn’t like it gave it a shot to see if it would grow on me and even a year later still don’t like it. Being that the couple is married and the husband went along with it for a year shouldn’t the woman go back to how the husband met the wife because he doesnt like the natural hair. Being they are husband and wife?
Some men like natural hair some black men don’t by all these view points and comments I see on here, every seems to agree with natural hair, well guess I’m not one of them. So that make me not truely African American now, WTF. I’m from down south VA from the hood, not no rich suburbs somewhere.
I’m not brainwashed, not socialized or anything it’s just some men are attracted to long hair some men ain’t plain and simple. It has nothing to do with self hate like some females on this board are saying. We all have different levels of attraction and that’s it nothing more nothing less.
Being that the couple is man and wife, shouldn’t the husband learn to love his wife for who she is, and not expect her to be something shes not? Being that she’s his wife and he’s her husband? Why not give it time. It takes about 2-3 years for her hair to get a good length. If you are patient, you may find out just how beautiful and sexy and touchable natural hair is, brother! I’ve heard MANY stories from sisters about their men learning to love their natural, soft, hair and not being able to keep their hands off their woman’s hair! No more worries about not being able to touch her hair at the right time! 😉 Sensual and sweet!
Don’t worry about what others in VA may think.
Usually, a woman making this decision has gone through mental hell!!! Fear of what her man, her friends and family, and even her mother and aunties will think! What judgement they will pass. Not only that, but even what strangers will think! And that’s certainly not right.
I understand that you don’t like natural hair (yet). But have you asked yourself why? (Im not trying to get all preachy) Why must a sister’s hair look like a white woman’s to be considered beautiful? After all, she’s a sister, not a white woman. We don’t expect a rose to look like a carnation in order to be beautiful. I’m just sayin.
Peace brother T!
Brother, first let me say that I applaud you for being open-minded enough to support your wife on her journey. Although I don’t think it’s an issue of the natural style she chose to wear, I would suggest you work together to choose a natural style you both will like.
As far as her going back to processed hair, that’s a decision she has to make between choosing what’s more important to her, her health or her marriage, although I will admit that my statement of the choice is a gross simplification. When I say her health, I think relaxing one’s hair is likely that detrimental to one’s health. From a male perspective I am not certain that I would ask my wife to engage in a “beautification” practice that’s detrimental to her health. That however depends on a husband’s level of awareness. One thing you said that I fee compelled to speak to is your notion that you like straightened hair simply because that’s what you prefer. Hate to inform you but that not true, we like what we like for any number of reason, non of which are simply a matter of “… my mind just chose to like x,y, or z…” Before the worldwide European colonialist expansion, no culture, I repeat, NO CULTURE of which I am aware, was relaxing their hair in a way that’s comparable to how and why African-Americans chose to do it today. As such, I think it’s fair to say that relaxed hair is a “beautification” practice developed by African-Americans to pacify our feelings of physical inferiority to Europeans. Anyone who denies this is likely unaware of cultural history beyond that last 20-30 years.
It seems like preferring relaxed hair is more an issue within your self that you should try to resolve, than it is an issue for her to resolve. Seems like she’s well on her way to resolving her issues of inferiority.
Just one man’s opinion. 😉
http://www.bvblackspin.com/2011/04/12/skin-bleaching-increasing-in-jamaica/8#c33826690
Recently came across an article that discusses the phenomena of skin bleaching and how it has grown to grown to become a popular yet dangerous means of “beautification”. This brought a very interesting question to mind. Why do black folks see these two similar practices (skin bleaching & hair relaxing) as being separate and independent of each another. Black people will concede that skin bleaching is deeply rooted in an inferiority complex while hair relaxing is not. I see no distinction between the two and wish black people would start being honest with ourselves and begin owning up to our hypocrisy. It’s called an inferiority complex. And one cannot begin to cure it until one admits they have this problem.
AdoreBlkWm,
When straighten hair is a way of life, how is it a pathology. I figure out my natural hair was Ok all on my own without the soul searching you seem to profess. I came into a world when at a certain age you got you hair pressed. You still wore braids and child hair styles until you got old enough to wear it down. When young you don’t think of the reference to the European, unless you have the adults around you to constantly remind you. Of course the other children who learn from adults to harass. Surprisingly enough in the closed community in Jim Crow there was less of that than today.
@ AdoreBlkWm, I’m open to working with her to see if we can find a style that we both like. Just saying , its been a year and she has tried different styles before, still the same results. You say I like straight hair because of basically society and how europeans imbedded self hate in me through socialism. I didn’t grow up in the civil rights movement nor did she. I applaud the people who been through it and paved the way for young black males like myself, but I just don’t believe I like straight hair because of that. Not only white woman have straight hair but there are many other races with straight hair.
So why is everyone so quick to point there fingers at white people. I’m not saying every natural hair style that I’ve seen I liked just saying I haven’t seen any on my wife that I like, it’s just more attractive to me and we are all entitled to our opinions. She didn’t pull me with natural hair, so why should I accept it when we are married not boyfriend and girlfriend. I tried gave it a year, I think its borderline selfish on her behave.
Although I may not share you perspective on the politics of hair, I can empathize with you to some extent in that part of her presentation when she attracted you was relaxed hair… and now ?!?!? However, I have to wonder why you chose to dismiss the issue of health as it relates to your wife relaxing her hair because you failed to mention it in your response but did express that you thought she was being selfish. One could very easily argue that dismissing the obvious health concerns of relaxers is more than a bit selfish on your behalf. Is it that you are of the impression that relaxers really aren’t that toxic and damaging? I would think your wife’s health would trump any preference relating to aesthetics.
For some reason I don’t think that it’s a matter of preference alone. I think there may be some element of public embarrassment for you that you may not willing to admit. If it were simply a matter of preference it would seem a very obvious solution would have surfaced… a wig. A wig would allow her to temporarily take on a look that you find appealing, without the permanence and health risk of relaxers. This is exactly the approach that women take when applying make-up. Most men are realistic in that they don’t expect their women to wear make-up 24-7, but only during particular times. If the issue is not one of embarrassment, then pick out a wig together… problem solved. Another bonus is that wigs give her variety that might be too expensive to produce going repeatedly to a salon.
I’ve been with my wife for 11 yrs. now and for the most part we are best friends. Like a best friend, I accept her for the most part as she is, being that she’s doing what she feels is making her the best person she can be which is your wife’s perspective I can only assume. The very few things I don’t like about my wife’s behavior I discuss with her and tolerate. If you think about it, how often or probable is it that you would impose a superficial standard onto your best friend as a condition of friendship? The likely answer is very seldom if ever, which is why friendships tend to outlast most romantic relationship by several times. I mean think of how often people remain friends from childhood into adulthood compared to relationship. No comparison with regards to longevity at all.
When you chose to frame her perspective as selfish, think about your perspective for a moment.
“I like straightened hair…”
“She won’t do what I like” or “She won’t give me what I want”
“She knows I like something but is denying me”
You whole perspective is “SELF” and personal “likes” so I am not sure you’re in that much of a position to assess her perspective. Her perspective may sound something like this.
“Relaxing my hair is an unhealthy practice which doesn’t affirm a positive self-image for myself as a black women”.
Her perspective probably comes more from a position of maturity than yours which is merely about what you like or what turns you on. Not sure.
Perhaps it a situation where one person has outgrown the other. Happens all the time and for good reason. All-in-all, although I can empathize with you somewhat from a male perspective, my better self says that I don’t think it’s fair or reasonable to insist that she recommit back to a beautification practice that is not healthy nor does it promote a positive self-image. If straightened hair is that valuable to you then be honest with yourself and stop delaying the inevitable. I am sure that at some point afterward she’ll agree that she didn’t need to be with someone who encouraged her to feel inadequate particularly in comparison to Caucasian, Asian, Arabic, Indian, East-Indian, or any other group of women who happen to have straight hair.
BTW, I have to admit how really tired I am as a black man of black women being made to feel inadequate or less than beautiful because of society or some immature brother’s perspective that lighter skin, longer straightened hair, almond shaped eyes, etc… are what’s hot. I can guarantee that she’ll find some brother out there who is willing to make her feel like she couldn’t be any more beautiful, natural hair and all.
Remember this advise, the best looking woman is the woman who has a positive self-image, spite the stretch marks, the extra weight or anything else someone might deem a physical imperfection. Confidence in once’s self-image is the sexiest of all physical attributes.
Ok I’m not going to tell you that you should be worried about the health risk involved in relaxing her hair and all that jazz b/c that’s BS and a cop out. NO your wife SHOULD NOT have to wear her hair in the style that she “pulled” you in in order to keep you. If you are w/her then you should be with her b/c you love her not b/c she “pulled” you w/pretty relaxed hair. You’re obviously too hung up on looks and if you’re feeling like you’re no longer attracted to her b/c of her hair then maybe you’re not the guy for her. A person should not have to compromise their style of hair to be married, that makes absolutely no sense.
As you for being black b/c you’re from the hood and not “no rich suburb somewhere” that makes no difference. I’m born and raised in the suburbs I’m just as “black” as you are and I’m natural and loving it.
I don’t know who taught you that your spouse should look the way you want them to in order for you to be together but you have it terribly wrong.
I pray for you and your relationship.
Sorry, but you totally invalidate anything sensible that you might have said by discounting or dismissing the potential health risks of relaxing one’s hair persistently over an expansive period of time. Black women are suffering disproportionately from multiple forms of cancer which is relatively a new trend. In addition, I know several women myself, as young as 30 years old who have undergone hysterectomies due to uterine fibroid tumors which seems to be an new and increasing illness. Now that’s not to say that lye, which certainly is an industrial strength chemical, is to blame for these things but I can assure you that lye very well might be a contributor.
http://sodium-hydroxide.com/use-caution-as-cover-how-to-deal-with-6-hazards-of-sodium-hydroxide#more-63
2) Harmful when inhaled: Reports of inhalation suggest that the compound has the ability to cause severe irritation in the respiratory tract lining, leading to a lung injury known as pulmonary edema or accumulation of fluid in the lungs. Symptoms may include sneezing, runny nose and sore throat, severe pneumonia can also be a result.
When you identify that a person has inhaled lye, move him to fresh air immediately. Give artificial respiration and call a physician. He may experience a tightness in the chest area as a reaction to the body’s defense against the irritant.
Ever wonder why African-American suffer disproportionately from asthma? May have found a significant contributor.
It’s interesting that there has been NO scientific study on the ill-effects of extensive and prolonged uses of lye as a hair treatment. So long as black women are the sole and primary users of this hair product no one cares.
The more I think about it the more moronic I think your dismissive attitude is about the potential dangers of using lye as hair product. Please buy a clue.
I appreciate all the research you’ve done on skin bleaching and sodium hydroxide–two very problematic issues in the black community.
Unfortunately, its something too many of us grow up with as a way of life, and it’s a process to even learn the truth about the self inflicted dangers of these powerful, caustic chemicals. It’s even harder still for us to accept these truths and change from inflicting these horrors upon ourselves.
Patience is the key when teaching our people, please don’t become frustrated because we need people like you who are willing to find out the truth and present it to us.
Peace!
Ms. Renee,
I agree in that I should check my frustration. It’s seldom that I get as passionate except when I am discussing matters affecting black people. I suppose a button was pushed when I communicated what I thought was a well-reasoned perspective only to be dismissed as having a “cop-out” point of view. I do sincerely appreciate your forum and definitely enjoy the dialogue and occasional challenge of a passionate discussion. I’ll be certain to gauge my “passion” so that I can continue to appreciate this online forum that you’ve created. Take care and great work!
Natural hair all the way for me. Afro,locks,or braids. There is nothing like a sister with her beautiful natural hair.
OMG, I found this forum by using Ask.com to inquire about what black men’s attitudes are about natural hair. I am so glad to find a forum in which the respondents are intelligent, deep thinking, open minded folks who’s comments represent all sides of this question. I was purposely looking for some support in my recent decision to go natural…I only had my hair cut down to the “new natural growth” when I thought I was going to work in Afghanistan where the maintenance of my sew in weave would be non-existent. My new “GI-Jane” look seemed appropriate to the new environment in which I was about to enter. For many reasons, I did not take the job and found myself with short natural hair…so short it could not be braided. I never wore glued in hair so I was stuck with my look. However, I must admit that my return to natural hair was already being considered before I cut my hair because I was increasingly becoming resentful and felt guilty every time I went to buy hair for my weave from one of the numerous and increasingly profitable Asian owned and operated Beauty Supply stores here in Houston. These stores are popping up everywhere and are now the size of warehouses offering every type of human and non-human hair in existence. Their patrons are 99% Black women looking for the latest, greatest, designer weave hair… I have witnessed some of these Asian owners behave badly, criticize, make fun of, and berate black women patrons in their native lanquage….(yes, I could tell from their demeanor and body language) and I would think “I am making these people rich and they don’t even respect us and make it almost impossible for Black entrepreneurs to own beauty supply stores because Black owners can’t get the same wholesale prices from Asian suppliers that they give to Asian beauty supply owners making it difficult for Black beauty supply owners to make a good profit.
Selling hair to black women is a profitable monopoly for Asians. I am not hating them for it. This is a business opportinity and a profitable market that we have created for them based on our own inability to see beauty in ourselves. I just refuse to help them become rich because of my lack of self esteem and a misplaced drive to assimilate and accept european standards of beauty.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not an activist who thinks everything natural is beautiful. I have natural hair under my arms and I shave it. I have a natural hairy upper lip and I wax it. I am putting my thoughts out here. I welcome all discussion.
Phyllis,
Thanks for sharing your candid introspection concerning your hair. I congratulate you for embarking on the challenge of self-discovery and acceptance. I have maybe two comments to make concerning your remarks. The first is the way that we (black people) wear our hair has been and will likely remain a political, social, and cultural statement regardless of whether that statement is deliberate or totally unintentional. Do you agree that a man’s silence in the face of adversity says as much about his character as another man’s active and willful defiance in the face of that same adversity. The fact that the silent man’s was not trying to make a stance doesn’t stop you from making inferences concerning his character. The way you dress, the choices you make concerning how you spend your money, etc… all indicate something either political, cultural, and/or social about yourself. An intelligent human being extrapolates millions of inferences and understandings from even the most benign facts and observations daily. Most of those inferences and understandings are of the people around us.
As a conscious black man, a women who choses to wear her hair naturally communicates to me that she among other things has the confidence to dare to define who she is and who she wants to be. Again, she may not concerned in the least bit what my opinion is or any other man’s opinion when she decided to wear it in a more natural state. However, that does not negate the fact that she has to have an elevated level of consciousness and confidence to decide to wear her hair in a way that western culture deems unacceptable to put it lightly. On the other hand, a women who choses to wear her hair relaxed, straightened, or processed communicates that she is about conforming… to convention (Western). My assessment is not a qualitative assessment, meaning one is “bad” while the other is “good”, it is merely a reasonable extrapolation of meaning based on what I think causes one to wear one’s hair this way or that way.
With that being said I assert that we are making statements (political, cultural, and social) all the time whether we intend to or not. Furthermore I assert that the vast majority of statements we make through our actions that are unintentional, says more about our true character than what we try to convince others about ourselves intentionally. Remember, actions speak louder than word… right?!?! 😉
Second thing, which is in alignment with what I’ve already stated which is that only a “foolish” and “ignorant” person in the most literal sense of both words, would willfully spend her money with people who consider them (black women) “foolish”, “ignorant”, and “ugly”, and spend their money in a way that affirms all three negative descriptions. Do you disagree? I soooooooo wish sisters would stop doing this. I would give my right arm if I could get black women to stop supporting and encouraging their own degradation by buying the hair of another group/race of people. No matter how you slice it, it is and will remain to be a form of self-negation. Someone please tell me how what I am saying is illogical or unreasonable.
I think you’re on point, brother Travis. It’s a travesty that so many of us spend our hard earned money with these people who despise us. I’ve been to a shop and saw a young sister hiding her head under her hood in deep shame! I saw the Korean man smiling at her shame, telling her not to worry the shop was filled with women who felt just as she did! It’s sad.
I also know that the process of going from permed, wig or weave to fully natural is a very painful process for women. Men may not be able to fully understand just how painful it can be. That pain reaches to the core, the heart of the woman! I’ve read many black hair forums where women take literally YEARS to come to the place of chopping off the perm. Some are completely unable to chop off all their permed hair and instead trim 1/4 inch to 1/2 inch as their hair grows for two years until they have a full head of long natural hair, just to avoid the TWA (teeny weeny afro) stage. They can’t do natural and short at the same time. Then sometimes a bold sister will chop it all off, just to deeply regret it, especially when friends and family start talking. Especially when her man starts grumbling. She starts agonizing, sort of like white women agonize over their weight, then goes out a gets a wig.
When a sister is so new to this experience, and when just about everyone will have something negative to say, it takes a lot of personal growth to be able to feel confident enough to be considered ugly by most, yet still feel beautiful to yourself. It’s a long process, and its hard, the older you are when you start it. The young sisters who’s mothers had them natural since childhood have no issues. So to relieve that stress and pressure within, the agony and fear a woman can feel, I say just wear a wig until you have that strength. Sister have been a great help to each other with all the blogs and websites, literally thousands I would say. This concerted effort has had a powerful, revolutionary effect on black women’s psyches concerning their hair.
On my blog I have a feature of interviews which specifically interviews different guys about their perspective of women with natural hair. I think it blends well with that you have said here and can offer women interested a varied point of view. Here is the latest interview. http://goo.gl/fb/cJZMC
I understand how she feels I decided to go nTural in October November ish 2010. No one thought I was gonna go throu wit it but I’m almost 9 ish kings in and I’ve got nothin but complaints of ” oh nobody’s gonna want u. No Gus r gonna talk to u. U look back. Get a perm. Balh blah blah” and no these comments weren’t fr strangers but from FAMILY! But regardless I decided to keep at it. My hair is a super tight fro and I can’t wait till it gets longer. But as far as attraction guys I deffibately feel u. Cuz lately I hav been gettin hardly any Play wit guys or at least ones I wanna talk to. But anyway just sharing y sharing my story and I hope u stay encouraged and fInd someone who appreciates yr inner beauty just as much as ur outer beauty cuz if they dint they r not worth ur time! Hope this helps 🙂
I have to put this out there for feedback. I wonder how much of the reaction sisters get when going natural has to do with the region in which they live. I grew up in the Midwest (Milwaukee, WI) which is a “chocolate city”, quiet is kept, and it was not all that remarkable to see sisters “au napturale” and damn it looked good!!! But since I’ve been living in the southwest all I see are sistas wearing these ragged-a$$ weaves looking like a cheap imitation of something else. In the dirty south brothers are still color-struck calling sistas “red-bone” and looking for the sisters with that “good hair”. It would seem that the region in which a sista resides has a lot to do with the type of reception she receives from going “au napturale”. BTW, please check out one of my more recent designs which supports and encourages sisters to rock that natural kwaf.
http://www.ruconscious.com/natural-tshirt.html
For anyone interested, I got newly designed shirt…
“This design is intended to be an affirmation in support of so many black women who have made the bold choice to proudly wear their hair in its natural state (e.g. no weaves, relaxers, or other straightening chemicals or treatments). In the face of rejection, disdain and near universal disapproval, your assuredness, comfort and natural beauty gives general admirers the impression that your decision was effortless. You wear it well.”
http://www.ruconscious.com/au-napturale-tshirt.html
Rejection of natural hair is rejection of blackness. If you hate your hair, you hate yourself. It’s really that simple. I did the BC nearly a year ago now, and I am happy to be nappy. I always appreciated my beautiful coils, but I was cowed by people telling me I wouldn’t get a job or find a man so I relaxed.
I gave people $200 a month to put chemicals in my hair that made it weak and susceptible to breakage. $200 a month!!!!!! And it didn’t even approach the look of naturally straight hair. Weaves and relaxers are BULLS**** and I’m not going to sugar coat it or offer any tolerance for it.
Relaxing your hair is self hatred. You are trying to emulate people who think you are ugly anyway. People who pity you for not having their type of silky, flowing hair. I know its hard when your own family and your men hate themselves so much they are disgusted with how you choose to wear your hair. I didn’t have a lot of support either from my family. But I didn’t care.
Any man or person who would abandon me or withdraw their love for me doing something as crazy as wearing my hair the way it grows out of my scalp naturally is insane and I’m better off without them.
My hair is beautiful, natural and easy to care for. Water, Shea butter and fluffing with the fingers is all it takes. I wash and condition weekly. I’m fortunate that my husband likes it. I was tired of being complicit in my own degradation.
I am beautiful whatever some ignorant, racist black person thinks. My hair is beautiful. I am black and I’m proud and no relaxer will ever touch my head neither will any euro-style wigs. That type of “beauty” is a complete fraud. I believe in true beauty and pride.
@Happy2bnappy – Don’t you think you are being a lil harsh on women that still straighten or relax their hair. I have been natural for 10 years and like you, I have received negative feedback from family and SOME friends up until now since natural hair is a “trend” now.
Over the course of 10 years, I have worn weaves, flat ironed my hair, wore braids and twists and big curly afros. I think that part of the beauty of being a black woman is the versatility we have with our hair. I will rock a straight wig just as fast as I will wear a curly one.
And just because one is natural does not mean that their hair is healthy and being natural is not always a symbol of black pride. I know too many women who have gone natural because it is the in thing to do.
WOW!!! I am from South Africa and am known as a coloured but I am mixed both great grandparents on both sides are either black and the other being white but I have the features of an african and the hair but am very fair that I could pass for a white from a distance,I remember when I was about 6years old we went to a public pool, that time there were a few white kids who actually swam in the same pool as us and one little white boy swam towards me and asked me what are you,he was so confused lol and so was I because at that time I was not aware of the colour factor or my hair which never soaked up the water well and not to mention i dint have dark hair but actually the front had a ginger colour.Well I grew up hating it as I was always teased the gingergirl from mixed kids just like me who were a bit browner ,so when I was about 10yrs old I saw my bigger sister gettin her hair relaxed, I cried to my mum the whole day to do mine ,but by then I did not know how good I had it dam! I had lovely hair it was long and thick but eventually it got cut by my dad who thought I did not brush it enough(he was drunk at the time) so by the time II was in high school I was gettin teased as I was not know as a pretty girl more a weird looking thing lol almost albino looking that hurt so when I did relax my hair wow I was so accepted , I continued to relax up until I was 27years old imagine, then I started arguing with everyone(family )who would tell me you need your hair relaxed ,wow I never got that much attention with my hair not relaxed .Since I started going back to natural and I mean no hair colourant, no relaxer its feels like good Im am proud to stand out from the crowd with my ginger hairs saying hi to everyone who sets their eyes on my hairline.
I’ve had my hair processed ever since I was 4 years old. I don’t even remember anything about it. I just grew up thinking it was the norm. I never wore weaves though, just my hair. When I turned 18 (I’m now 19), I decided to attend an HBCU. I’ll never forget this one girl I saw walk across the basketball court one windy day. She had a loose flowing light brown afro that just blew in the wind and I thought it was so beautiful. I had never seen so many girls going natural.
My two bestfriends are both natural and they kept telling me, you have such good hair, you should grow it out. Mind you at the time, my permed hair was breaking off more than usual. So April of this year I decided to do it.. to embrace those waves that I never gave a chance. My mom was like, no way.. you’ll perm your hair again before you know it.
Imagine her face when I walked into her classroom, red faced and rocking my TWA. lol
I admit tears flowed when I cut it, just to see all of that hair hit the floor. My grandma loved it, she was so mad my mom permed it in the first place.
I am happy I did it. I LOVE my hair. Can’t keep my hands out of it 🙂
Far as men go, I believe he should love me just the way I am. The same guys from last year still talk to me and more…black, white and beyond. And they like it. Some just can’t help but touch it and be amazed at how soft it is =/ lol but whats most important is that I’m comfortable with myself inside and out.
Good for you LysaMarie!
wow, I feel so bad for the women who have to deal with the most ignorant men. my African-American family (I am multi-racial) has been very close-minded to natural hair. My fiancee’s family (he is spanish, they are used to–and quite prejudice, and ignorant mind you–straight hair) also had a negative reaction. However I know my hair is BEAUTIFUL, the natural way. How I was born is BEAUTIFUL. God made everyone different for a reason. Good hair is hair that is healthy and cared for. Curls,dreads,straight,fro’s are all beautiful once cared for properly. I Love my hair. My fiancee had a negative reaction when I first bc’d because he wasn’t used to my hair being so short, but he LOVED it shortly afterwards because he loves me & my hair is but a small part of ME. If your significant other can’t accept YOU (hair and ALL) then find another man. It’s so sad that women limit themselves to these ignorant males who honestly don’t know any better. if you love who you are–fully love you, then you’d laugh at the ignorant remarks, and awful comments. That love comes with acceptance. (& that’s coming from a girl who wore weaves, braids, and hats for months because she was TERRIFIED of what people would think of her. at the end of the day none of that was ME, but this wild curly hair is-and i Love it) please love yourselves ladies–it makes all the difference 🙂
Just want to say that the person above is not me. I am Ana from the Republic of Panama.
I would advise women if they wear their hair natural, permed, weaved, braids,locks,wigs or whatever and are so concerned and preocuppied with how people( anyone, loved ones, neighbors) view your hair , then you are the ones with the problem.
Your hair is yours, given to you from God by way of all the ancestors you have had.
Comb it and wear it how you please because you are Free; and Power to you.
Saludos…
Ana de Panama…you spoke the absolute truth!
Peace!
I love wearing my natural hair, I am 16 years old and I wear it to school now, and I have been getting compliment after compliment, people keep touching it and they are all amazed by how soft and healthy it feels and looks, even a white woman complimented my hair, but most were young black kids that attend the same high school as me. I even received compliments from hispicanic girls and guys. I was so scared about wearing my own hair natural, but as I walked through those doors people were like “omg is that your hair” ” how you get it like that” “it’s beautiful” “its puffy, I like that. ” I also go to a career based school during the second half of my school day, and majority of the kids that are in my business management marketing and technology class are white, they don’t say anything about my hair, but I do get looks, I think that is a good thing, because they look with curious minds becasue they know it is something different, because I am the only black girl there (that I have seen) with an afro.
Erykah,
I am glad that you chose to show your generation that it is alright to be natural. you go girl!
Ive notice a lot of comments about how white people compliment our natural hair more than we do. That may be true for some. But let’s not forget they created the hate for our hair in the first place. So let’s not get all excited about the compliments. lol
I was left surprised at the sad comments you sistas have received from your own people and men about your natural hair. I really hope there will be betterment in our commu it and we will accept and embrace yourselves sooner or later. Its getting bad to the point where some of you let the white media decide who you are. So sad! No matter how I feel,I can’t wait to wear different hair styles on my hair and if i do face critisizm,I will tell them off! I support natural hair and real women! 🙂
From your writing, it is hard to figure if you are male or female.If you are a male , spend more time complimenting African American women, especially when African American men put them down, and this would create an environment where sad comments won’t offend them.
Stop blaming the white media . Furthermore feeling good about oneself comes from within; all of this regardles of the media, the negativity from the community and most of all what kind of hairstyles we wear.
We should strive to be a very heallthy minded black people;and all this begins with each and everyone of us modeling a behaviour that shows pride in ourselves, because after all,being Black is a blessing from God.